just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
