she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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