I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
