Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
