Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
