i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Randomize
