New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Randomize
