i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
