chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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