I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
