omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Come share oat with me in your robe
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
