just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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