i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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