Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
