I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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