do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
operation harelip BJ is a go
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
