OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize