Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
