yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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