I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
