So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
