He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
