Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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