Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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