Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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