I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Randomize
