Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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