He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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