I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
