I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Rumble strips road head = magical
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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