I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
