Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
