the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
