The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
