I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
