if you like me you must not know who I am
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
