so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
