dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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