His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize
