I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Let's paint friendship bongs
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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