Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
sarcasm needs its own font
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
