The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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