Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Randomize