I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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