pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
