I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
