made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
