There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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