you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
