there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
