Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
