I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
