i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
