he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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