I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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